Change Is The Only Loving Thing To Do

Something happened few days ago and I guess that kinda becomes a life changing experience for me.

I was a real bitch last Thursday, ended up lashing up at my friend on SMSes before I get the turn-around, being told in the face (we were on the phone) that I simply did not care about how others feel. At first, I denied but later embarrassed into realization, I began to discover that I was one hell of a bitch all along. As I began to ponder over the issue during the week, I reflect back at all those bad blood and flare ups in recent time. Nothing is further away from the awful truth.

Came Sunday evening, I decided to put my resolve for change into action. For real, this time and not because I have not been changing in other areas of my life all this time. I made a few phone calls and apologized to some friends, one in particular who in a moment of anger, messaged me 'church-bashing' remarks. I did not made my last call as I had been told he had a rough week. I think it's kinda immature on my part to lose my cool against him, still, I believe he could be more sensitive to feelings. Generally, it's my fault to begin with.

This evening, I actually tried to explain to my father about my overnights at the studio. Usually, I plainly dismissed him as being not understanding, ironic, cos I'm the one not aware of his feelings in the first place. It feels better, having to be more open and mindful, knowing at least you are progressing somehow.

Now, why those changes all of the sudden? I wish I could say that God visits me in my sleep one night and reveal a terrifying vision of the years ahead, the way Scrooge got his from the Ghost Of Christmas Future. Thanks be to the Lord, not that I'm replacing Him from the pedestal but I think it has something to do with the new love I found. Yeah, it's a girl.

I know how people had found it hard to accept what I said as true that this current one will be the last I ever go for, that it will be the final attempt to exit unattached singlehood. I don't have much doubts about it, feeling in my heart (and a feeling much stronger than before) that it will be the way things are. It's either I succeed or I fail. Though failure I'm prepared for, planning the years for a bright future ahead had already started. Yet, just one more chance to make the connection no matter what.

Have I grow tired of these games? These emotional rollercoaster of euphoric highs and disappointing lows? Or maybe, unrequited love has become a constant companion to get used to? What I understand presently is that I have all to fight for and nothing to lose.

I could have rejected the chase when I see how flawed I really am. But I also had it with letting go chances. Too many times, saying 'no' to attachment or missing the boat. If radical changes have to come about, then, why not? In conclusion, it's allowing love to change you inside out.